A lot has happened since I last made a post. I feel I have lost myself in all the chaos. There’s not much I care about at the moment. I sure as hell don’t care about food. We’ve been ordering pizza, buying processed crap, and cooking less. It does make me feel a little terrible, but at the same time I don’t actually care. I’m just trying to make it through this season one day at a time. I’m quite numb. The only emotions I have felt a lot of lately are anger and loneliness mixed with a good serving of disappointment. I can’t even cry. The moments I have felt like crying these past few months, instead of tears, nothing. My overwhelming frustration has dried my well as if it were the sun. I am an empty shell.
As if my personal struggles weren’t enough you can’t turn on the TV, read the paper, or scroll through your feed without seeing the world continuing to crumble (at an even faster rate than normal, if that’s possible). It all makes me feel silly for sitting at home, successfully eating my feelings, over everything our family has gone through lately. After all we still have a roof over our heads and food to eat. So what’s there to complain about?
In the last 2 months- we have been to the ER once, the doctor 4 times, the allergist twice, and as of last week little tummy has a new specialist on her team of issues- a pediatric gastroenterologist. She has been to the lab twice for blood draws. Today she had to choke down some tasty barium given to her by a scary man with a mask on while screaming her head off and digging her fingernails into my arm so I wouldn’t let go of her while the big scary man at the other end held her down so the scary doctor to get some images of her GI tract. That still might not be the end of tests in this quest for finding out this mystery problem she recently developed. They’re saving the “best” test for last. “Best” as in she needs to be put under for that one. Her team of doctors aren’t sure what’s wrong, but they all seem to agree that something is up.
I’ve about had it. How many more tests and problems can she have? She’s not even 3 yet!!! Our medical bills were bad before. Now they’re are just getting ridiculous. We even have decent insurance. Still, we are swimming in medical debt. I’m tired. Papa tummy is stressed. How does she continue to have all the energy in the world with a smile on her face? I’m putting this out here for everyone to read so maybe my prayer will be answered.
Dear God, enough already! She doesn’t deserve this. Make the next problem mine. Why have you let me skate by without as much as a broken bone all these years? My life is worth far less than the potential my little girl has. Please, stop this! If you’re trying to teach me a lesson somehow, you’ve made your point. You already took one life from me. Don’t make her the next. I would gladly take on cancer if it means she gets to graduate, walk down the aisle, and experience all that this beautiful life has to offer. Just promise me there will be nothing else added to the long list of her medical records.
Please excuse me while I work through all of this. Our life needs to return to normal and I need to find myself again. I wish happiness and good health to all of you.