Hello friends! It feels too long since I have been one with my keyboard. A lot has happened since my last post. I didn’t quite finish my book but I got it to a point where I felt comfortable sending it to the publisher. Now I must play the waiting game to see what they have to say about it. Our little tummy is now eating solids, drinking from a sippy cup, and pulling herself up to stand. As the saying goes, kids make the days long and the years short. One major thing did happen during my break that I wanted to share.
February 18th was a somber day, one I will not likely forget. In a week and a half it will be a month since having to lay our beloved furry tummy to rest. She had a horribly quick relapse and we decided to give her peace before things got really bad. I took her refusing to eat as communication that she was ready to say good-bye. I knew she wasn’t going to live forever yet I was still including her in our future plans. From considering her in our garden plans this summer to 5 years out when we may be moving to a new house. Being she has occupied my daily routine for 8 and a half years it will be hard to remove her from it. No amount of time knowing the end is near will prepare you for it. I was not the best mother I could have been but I hope she knew how much I loved her even when I didn’t show it. On that day I wanted to get one last picture with her.
Scheduling a loved ones death that can not verbally tell you it’s time can be a haunting decision to make. I will always wonder if I did the right thing. Dogs need to learn how to speak already. Come on, what’s taking them so long? I bottled up my feelings about the whole thing because I had a little girl to take care of and felt it was wrong to take time out for this. As wrong as that sounds. It was not fair to her at all that she had to spend the last months of her life up to the very last second of it watching me take care of someone else that invaded her space.
It has taken me a little while to reach acceptance. Although I will always hold on to that guilt. That last image of her staring at me holding Twila while the pink liquid of death was being injected into her forearm breaks my heart every time I think about it. I can only hope that our early memories of just the two of us were enough to make up for the last 6 months of what may have seemed like my utter betrayal in her eyes.
Before I regress to stage 2 I thought I would attempt to look upon this at a different angle. Too often do I try to drown myself in my own negative emotions. Beating myself up over every little detail whether I have control over the situation or not. Instead I will try a new approach by looking for the silver lining with a touch of humor. Something that is terribly new for me but I hope can be a part of this positive outlook on life I’m trying on.
Things I no longer have to worry about… maybe…
- We can wear black clothes again without looking like walking lint rollers! Maybe not considering I have this little human being that loves to wipe her snotty face on me.
- We can sleep with the door open since we no longer have to keep things out that take up the entire bed! Well, maybe until the little one gets old enough for that.
- We don’t have to make sure the gate is shut every single time! That probably won’t last long considering the little one is going to be walking soon.
- We don’t have to think twice about leaving chocolate out! Maybe not such a good idea if the little one is anything like her father.
- We don’t have to pick up poop anymore or clean up vomit! Who am I kidding with that one?
Things I never had to worry about… but now maybe I will…
- Leaving the toilet seat up. Longhorn never cared about toilet water but my kids might one day.
- The trash being strewn all over the floor. Longhorn was never the kind of dog to search through the trash, she was much too good for that, but my kids might one day.
- Things being broken all over the house due to clumsiness. Longhorn had an incredible sense of spatial awareness but I’m sure my kids won’t.
- Our shoes being peed/pooped/chewed on. Longhorn had a rare trait as a dog, respect for another person’s property. Something I hope I don’t have to worry about with my kids one day.
- Running away, never to return. Longhorn would run but she always knew how far was too far and she always came back. I hope my kids will be as wise.
I had the most incredible dog, the best companion a girl could ask for. As her ashes look upon this family as it grows her memory will live on. Sharing her life meant everything to me. I am grateful that Twila was able to spend the bit of time with her that she did. It was very important to me that she knew who her big sister was. We love you Longhorn. You will always be my first child.